I am not proud of that. At first I wanted to deny that I felt that way. I cannot hate, I must have love and forgiveness when people wrong me. At least that is how I thought Christians were suppose to feel. I really fought those feelings for a long time. Then I realized that I could no longer deny what God already knew.
Why do I act like I can fool God? Why do I think I can just go on and pretend that God thinks everything is fine, when I know I am not fine and God knows I am not fine?
It was hard to admit it to my heavenly Father. It was hard to say it out loud, to hear from my own mouth that I hated. I was ashamed of how I felt. My feelings of hate were so strong and there was no down playing them or excusing them. I did feel they were justified, but it still didn’t make it right in my heart to keep these feelings.I felt hate but I did not want it to make its home in my heart, my soul or my mind. I did not want hate to be a part of me. My feelings of hate were not going to subside, neither could I think I would not feel this way again, so I needed to do something with these feelings or they were going to multiply. I could not allow that. These feelings of hatred were not what God wanted for me.
In Titus 3:3,4 the Bible says, “For we ourselves also were sometimes foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving divers lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful, and hating one another. But after that the kindness and love of God our Saviour toward man appeared, not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost; ” (KJB).
Because of Christ I am different. When I live in the flesh I am acting like I do not have God in my life. I am acting like the world. I am so thankful that God sent his son Jesus to die for my sins, and to show that appreciation, I want to act like I am a Christian.
I want God to use me and I am not usable if I keep feelings like hatred in my life. Feelings of hatred are my problem, no anyone else’s. I need to make the choice to give my hatred to God. For my own sake. My feelings of hatred where not effecting the persons they were focused towards. I was the one dealing with them. In time, I believe hatred would have spread like a cancer to other areas of my life. They would be destroying my life, not the persons’ life I was hating.
What I have learned is:
1. I am very capable of hating.
2. When I confess my sin, God is faithful and just to forgive me of the sin of hatred. (I John 1:9)
3. I need to forgive the person(s).
4. Repeat 2 and 3 as needed.