Saturday, August 29, 2015

A Long Declaration

...that needed to be written a long time ago.

I am writing this to give you back the baggage you have placed on me. I am tired of being bitter and angry about the treatment that my family and I received and also my dear friends. You were so selfish about the way that you “counseled” your church members. Everything was about you and how it benefited you. You have caused so much damage here in the Reno/Sparks area. You think you are invincible but I think others have thought the same thing as well and look what happened to them.

The reign of destruction reaches very far. Still today there are so many people not in church because they cannot trust their pastor because they believe they will be used just like you used them. I hear them talk of the “church” like it was a cult. I believe them. It is a cult. It hurts the cause if Christ. It hurts a Christian’s walk. It ruins a church’s testimony in the community.

Anyone who has crossed paths with that church have a heart breaking story to tell. I am so embarrassed to admit that I was associated with that church.

I hate how you “counseled” me to stay with a man who would beat me. You, and your mother both said to stay. You did not value me at all. To think that I was trapped with a man who wanted to control me and when I did not obey, used physical measures. You just stood by and said to pray and read my bible more. Your mom even convinced that it was my fault because I must not be a good enough Christian.

I hate how you counseled me to just give him over to the computer for the gaming and God would take care of it. I was not to “nag” him about it. Just let God take care of it. That was so horrible to deal with. It was so degrading.

Countless women with the same marriage problems came through that church and you kept telling them to stay. Pray through. What kind of a person would allow women to continue to be abused? Probably a person who hates women. Probably a person who hates people in general. Probably a person who does not value life. Probably a person who is not saved.

Is that what your daughters get to look forward to? Tolerance. Turning a blind eye.

I hate how you handled the subject of pornography. It didn’t count because it was not real people. A lie straight from the pits of hell.

I hate how you make women feel less spiritual based on their outward appearance. The thinner they were the more spiritual they were.

I hate how you won’t confront abuse of children. That sickens me. Your actions are cowardly.

I hate how you treated members so poorly that they would just leave.

I hate how you kept raising the standards so that not even Jesus could reach them.

I hate how you twist God’s Word to control people.

I hate how nothing was more important than obedience. Obedience to your rules and way of thinking.

I hate how you want husbands to control their wives.

I hate how you treat wonderful people different.

I hate how you treat broken people.

I hate how you toss them aside.

I hate how you would do things in private but preach against them from the pulpit. (Children always give their parents away.)

I hate how you used people and then don’t care that they leave.

I hate how you judged people as worthy and others as not worthy.

I hate how you played favorites so openly and the trouble that it stirs up.

I hate how you make others sacrifice when you have plenty. I hate how you act like you are poor and you are not.

I hate when you deceive people and think it is ok.

I hate how you keep telling people that you walked away from sports when you know you were fired.

I hate how you think you control other pastors and act like they can’t do anything without your permission. That they will not be blessed of God because you don’t approve of what they want to do.

I hate how you said that the men that left this church would not be blessed in the ministry that they felt led by God to start.

I hate how you preach against people. I hate how you do it so specifically that we can tell who you are talking about.

I hate how you punish people from your pulpit.

I hate how you treat children. In public you seem so great and then when no one is looking you are abusive and controlling.

I hate how you are mean to people.

I wonder why you are acting like a minister when you do not like people.

I watch what people say about that church and you and it breaks my heart. It is like a reign of terror is in this Reno/Sparks area.

I struggle in so many areas because the years I spent there. You took advantage of me and women like me. You want control. People do not matter. Only your agenda. You say it is about God but it is not. The fruit says it is not. Good trees do not produce bad fruit.

I have not been able to go forward because of the damage in my heart. Everything I wanted to do had to be approved. Disapproval was given in abundance at that church.

I hate that I have carried it this long. I hate that even though I am not there, you are still controlling me. I hate when people bring you or the church up which makes the emotions and anger resurfaces like the pain is still fresh.

I hate that I judge pastors like you are the standard. You are a very poor example. I have met great men that want to serve their church and not rule it.  They love the Lord and love people.

For all that you could have done for people and have chosen not to, I know you will be judged for the judgment you have judged others and then some.

Look around and see the damage you have done in the name of God. Families struggle and then fall apart because of how you are leading. You lead people in areas where you would never go. You are not a servant you are a ruler. You like to be king but do not know how to manage your kingdom.

You hurt, manipulate, use, punish, control, demean, and cause good people to turn away from church and a loving God. That makes me so angry!

I hate that it looks like you are getting away with this. The destruction and havoc that goes so far and so deep in myself and others.

I have to give this to God. I have to get out of his way so that He take care of you. I have to let this anger, bitterness and hatred go. I have so much going on that is so good and beautiful and I do not want you to taint it any more.

I serve a loving God who knows just how to take care of his own. This should make you worry because you are getting away with all of your lies and God is not doing anything to stop you.

My Saviour has taken such good care of me these last 5 years. But really he took care of me all along. He brought me to this great place of peace and joy.  

I ask God to forgive me for putting you and your position as a pastor higher than the plans that God had for me. I ask God to forgive me for the hatred and anger that has turned to bitterness in my life. I ask God to forgive me for not trusting Him more and trusting man too much. I ask God to cleanse me from this and make me whole so that I can fully enjoy His blessing on my life.

Thank you God for showing me this ugliness in my life. Who am I to be writing this about someone else? I need healing and cleansing from it. I need to forgive. A true and sincere forgiveness. I am not perfect. I have treated people in a way that would shame Jesus. I want to use this as a learning tool. I want this to draw me closer to you Father.

If this causing the reader to want to share their story then here is your platform. However, please examine yourself and look for healing and comfort from the One who can give it.
Once you write it here, leave it here. God knew about it all along and He will take care of us just like He always has. Now that it is out in the open let God heal you.
There is no need to name names. God knows who we are talking about.

God bless you and me as we go on our journey to a better place and leave this behind us.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

A letter to Anna

Dear Anna,

My dear, dear, lady. To have every one know your heartache. I can only imagine that is very overwhelming. Take a deep breath.

Foremost I want to say that this is in no way your fault. You did nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with you as a woman or a wife. There is nothing wrong with your Christianity or mothering of your children. He built this kingdom and now you all have to live with the public shame and reproach not just on your family but on the name of Jesus. Your husband did this to himself and his family and to the cause of Christ. No matter what you did you could not have made difference. He would have made these choices anyway. This is the way he wanted to go. Everyone has temptations and choices. He was weak and did not pass by them he enjoyed sin for a season.

You have several options. You could stay with this man, you could separate for a while, or you could divorce.

If you stay you will have plenty of guidance from people who took this path. In my opinion, you should do a few things before you go down this path.
         1. Make sure there is true repentance. Things need to be different. You are making the rules
         2. The computers need to be put on lock down and put in a common room in the home. No 
              more late night computer sessions.
         3. Counseling as a couple and individually. Not with someone you know but someone who can
             hold your husband accountable. You need to be able to safely talk about your feelings
             about his behavior against you and your children.
         4. You need to forgive to go forward. You cannot drag bitterness with you if you are going to
             stay. That will take much prayer and time. You can not hurry this. It will not happen

If you choose to separate for a while that might help you with your healing. It would give you time to process things without the pressure of him being there watching you. You need time and you may need some space to decide what you want to do.

If you decide to leave and file for divorce, the world would not fault you for doing that. They would applaud you. They would say you did the right thing. Then they would leave you out in cold and criticize your parenting publically. Most Christians would leave you and you would be left with very few but true and loyal friends. If your husbands repentance is not true, if he still thinks he is the boss of the home, and if you know better and feel that this is the best for you and your children then you must do it. It will be a hard road but you deserve to be valued and cherished. You are an amazing woman your heavenly Father has a wonderful plan for you and your kids. He will provide for you. It will not be an easy decision but if it God's plan for you then it will be blessed.

Pray, my friend, lots and lots of prayer will help you through this difficult time of decision. Stay in the bible. You will find wisdom and comfort in those pages.  Please do not make the decision everyone expects of you. Please do not make a decision out of pressure. Make the decision that God would have you to make because then He will be there with you every step of the way.

What ever way you decide to go Anna, God bless you. Our prayers are with you.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

A Letter to Mrs. Duggard

Dear Mrs. Duggar,

First of all, I can't imagine how you must be coping with everything about your family being broadcasted for everyone to see and feel that they have to give their opinion on how they would have done it. It is so much easier when things are going good and we can share Jesus with the good we are doing. When things happen that shame Jesus we may feel like we are useless to His cause and we can never be in the fold again. Those feelings are hard to get past. But they will pass.

I have prayed that my children would get caught when they are doing things wrong. I want them to feel like they cannot get away with anything. I am glad that your son got caught and had to admit that he was doing wrong. If allowed to keep going unnoticed it really could have been so much worse. He really was a hypocrite and living a lie. God said enough. God still has a plan for your son and his family if he is willing to make some drastic changing. It will take some time, healing and mending of trust but God can do it.

To watch our children go through hardship is very difficult. Watching them go through hardship when it is self inflicted has got to be torturous. Knowing that it was their choice to do wrong. That this did not have to happen. Feelings of helplessness are hard to get away from.

I think some day your family may recover from this but I think it may be in quiet undocumented ways. Ways that you can reach out to other mothers who have children that greatly disappoint. How do the parents go on? There is a mourning process, how long does that last? The trust that is lost, how do you give the child chances to rebuild? Is there more that needs to be dealt with before it is exposed to the world? Such difficult questions without clear answers.

Mrs. Duggar, please stay on your knees and stay in your Bible. The Bible will heal, cleanse and give wisdom. We have to remember that no matter how devastating our circumstances are that God is still on the throne. Since your son is a Christian than he is in God's hands. So he is in good hands.

I have to say that some would blame the wife for not taking care of her man that made him turn to the internet and other women to be satisfied but I completely disagree. Your daughter in law is most likely a very good woman who would have done anything for a loving and caring husband.  Your son is the one who is responsible for this mess not her. I just wanted to make my stance clear on that.

Finally, we are all just one choice away from being caught doing wrong. Most of us will never have to experience our deeds good or bad being played out on the news. I hope this makes your stand for God stronger and not weaker. I hope you discover who your true friends are through this trial. I hope you get to know God on a deeper level as you seek him in prayer. Stay strong for God. Your other children need you.



Saturday, August 15, 2015

The Weakest Link

"Parents of gay or transgendered children are the weakest link in the church."

Well, that is what Kathy Baldock author of "Walking the Bridgeless Canyon" said to me during her discussion at Truckee Meadows Community College in the Spring of 2015. She was invited to speak for about an hour on her book. She wants to help build a bridge between the church and the LGBT community. She gave some history about how the church has treated the LGBT community over the last several hundred years and how it has changed so much in the last couple of decades. The church is still very far behind the world's view.

I thought at first that maybe this could happen but it really can't. It is not that the church is against the LGBT community but it is one group that says die to the flesh and live for God and the other says be true to yourself and you should be able to express how you truly feel. One group says, "less of me and more of Jesus" and the other group says. "I have the right to do what ever I want and you have to accept that."

It is a bridgeless canyon for a reason. There is not meant to be a bridge built by man from one side  to the another. The bridge is Jesus and what he has done on the cross. You can see and then use that bridge when you accept Jesus Christ as your personal Saviour.

What Ms. Baldock said at the end of discussion when I pressed her about the different bibles she was using was that it wasn't about the bible. Well if it is not about the bible then how can a profitable discussion occur about God's love and mercy to mankind. That is a Christian's guide and source of wisdom. It is not antiquated, it is the living book that God uses to speak to us.

She also said that the weakest link in the church is the parent of a gay child. That statement caught my attention. It took me a while to process that. So I am weak. Hmm...really. It made me instantly think of the verses about being weak.

"To the weak became I as weak, that I might gain the weak:
I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some."
I Corn. 9:22 KJV

Is God putting me in this position for a bigger reason? Can I be a help to other Christian parents that have a gay or transgender child? How can I be blessing? I do not have the answer to those questions yet. I know through prayer and searching the scriptures the answers will come.

"Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities,
in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."
II Corn. 12:10 KJV
Is it just me or do you find that when someone says something negative about you, you make a choice of determined effort not to be that? Well, I knew for sure that I was not going to be weak and I for sure was not going to be the weakest link when it came to supporting God's Word in the church house.
I have a lot to process about these verses. I will leave you with verses that have been such an encouragement to me since I left that meeting.
"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
I Corinthians 1:25 KJV
"Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men."

Friday, August 14, 2015


I  chose to make a very difficult decision in my home a couple of weeks ago. It seemed  that it hurt me more than it did the child. It actually broke my heart. I felt like I was in mourning about it for several days. But I know that I did the right thing. I hate making the hard choices. I hate calling out one of my kids. I hate being the enforcer. I want to be the good guy too however that is not what I am called to do. I want children that know that there are consequences. That there is a price to pay for your actions. I want my children to learn that while they are here at home where it is safe instead of when they are older and out in the world where there is no safety net.

I pray for wisdom and God's word says it will be given liberally to me however at times I think that if this is my with wisdom than I can't believe how completely inadequate I would be with out it. I need God all the time. Every day and every moment.

I have doubts. Isn't that part of being a good parent? Making sure you are going in the right direction. Seeking wisdom and counsel so that you stay on track. It is not easy being a parent. No one can parent my children better than me. I am the best parent for them. Even when it is hard. Especially when it is hard.